May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely out of put. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But Indeed, certain, let us have Yet another location where by American Gentlemen can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: offer you everyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he must prevent applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the Trump Tower Damascus tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even include:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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